More and more I find my energy and concentration moves in cycles. No matter how much I plan, make to-do lists, and give myself pep talks there are times I just don’t have the get up and go.
Even knowing I only have a limited energy supply to begin with, and the reason behind it. I’m only human. I still beat myself up about it. Constantly.
The cycles & seasons
But the more seasons I spend with this ‘new’ life of mine and finding ways to cope, adapt, and still flourish. I find myself thinking that sometimes it just isn’t worth the energy spent feeling bad about not writing that blog post, or not doing that walk or whatever thing I had planned.
It’s my ego that is bruised and bent out of shape. When really I should be focusing on what feeds my body and soul.
I always feel like I’m failing at life because I’m not keeping up with everyone else, don’t have a life like all the shiny Instagram accounts you see. I have to remind myself that social media is just everyone else’s highlights, I don’t really know what anyone else’s life is. I just have to focus on doing me, what makes me happy and fulfilled. But it isn’t always easy to not feel like I’m being left behind.
A part of me can think “In the grand scheme of things, one bad day, what’s the big deal.” But it doesn’t stop the tears from falling.
I’m a complete juxtaposition of feelings. And these too come in cycles.
What I have to keep telling myself is this: I may get there slower than someone else, it’s not always easy, but if I’m taking a step forwards I’m still going somewhere.
In fact I read some beautiful words the other day
“…carve your own path, no matter how small and crooked, it’s a way forward and it’s yours”
And this is so true. Every being on this planet is different, completely unique, so of course all of our journeys and experiences are going to be different. So what if this path of mine isn’t grand and shiny, or how I thought my life would turn out. It’s mine. I’ve learned so many things about myself along the way, and I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be!
I think this may be a life lesson we humans need to take time to think over. It worries me how much of a fast-paced technology culture we have become. Where worth is measured by how many shiny gadgets you have, and society has a set path that is deemed ‘successful’, a path everyone is expected to follow, instead of being in touch with ourselves and what we truly want in life or what makes us happy.
This culture is only leading to a lot of burn out and disconnected, discontented humans. I guess I worry that more people will end up with a chronic illness like mine.
In a world where we have become this throw away culture focused on the next new thing, what we really need is to slow down and focus on what’s really important to us.
Coming home to nature
The more I immerse myself in nature to find calm, the more I compare the ebb and flow of life, the peaks and dips of my emotions, how things that seem to move in cycles reflect the seasons of nature.
I find comfort in knowing that nothing in nature lasts forever; it grows, it blooms, it recedes and dies, rests, to be reborn again just as bright and beautiful as before.
It gives me hope, and more than that it has taught me to give myself permission to rest.
It gives me perspective.
And while I cannot change my body, it’s illness, or my energy levels. It is Mindset that keeps me going.
So yes. I have days where I can barely scrape myself out of bed and there are tears of exhaustion and frustration. But I have learnt to notice when it is more than just a bad day, when I feel my emotions sinking into that dark hole. Those are the times I have to put in the work to change my mindset, because I don’t like where that path leads.
Your emotions actually give off vibrations, if you can lift your vibrations you can alter your emotional state, and bit by bit get back to a positive mindset and a place of calm.
For me it’s the little things that get me back to that more positive state of mind. Whether it’s sleep, yoga, meditation, laughing at a good movie, reading a book. Anything that makes you smile, gets you out of your own head, and makes you focus on this present moment and nothing else.
That is the cure. To be in the present moment. It is what I have found works for me anyway.
I feel like this post should perhaps have come with a warning? it is very much me writing out my feelings and working through a bad day.
I do hope my rambling narrative at least provides some food for thought and doesn’t sound like me just feeling sorry for myself..
But also I hope that if you are struggling too, it will show you that you are not alone, and if reading this can help someone else feel better then my ramblings were worthwhile.
And really that’s all we need in this world. To feel less alone.